My Testimony of Healing and Restoration
I grew up in a Christian home with two loving parents. In spite of this, I didn’t have a good relationship with my father during much of my boyhood and I felt insecure in relating to other males, both men and boys. This was partly due, I think, to needing so much from them. In 1967, during my second year as a student at UCLA, I became active in the Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship and was invited to attend an all night “Sensitivity Training” meeting for the leadership of that group. It would be led by a local pastoral counselor. This kind of encounter group had become very popular and this 24 hour session was to dramatically change my life.
The counselor was a great leader - strong and yet sensitive. I was infatuated with him and longed for this kind of a strong male role model. “John” invited a few leaders of our group to have regular weekly counseling free of charge. Of course, I went and began sharing deeply about my unsuccessful romantic life with women. He told me that I would need to explore my “homosexual feelings before I could have a successful heterosexual relationship.” Although I didn’t think I had homosexual feelings and was initially repulsed at the idea, he convinced me my feelings were repressed.
When John introduced me to his son “Rich,” who was openly gay, I decided to try it out. Rich was good-looking, a little younger than me, a younger version of the man I looked up to! I remember the feeling after we got together - my first sexual experience with anyone. I was walking on air! It was hard to stay focused on reality. That relationship, though, only lasted a few weeks and I took the break-up hard. But John tried to console me by attempting to have sex with me. John then introduced me to another man and we began a relationship that lasted 18 months. This one was exciting at first but grew empty when I discovered that he liked younger boys more than he liked me.
New Relationship, New Despair
John eventually succeeded in seducing me into having sex with him, even though he was involved in a relationship with “Gary”, my best friend. Gary left the relationship with John and I was now available for a full-time relationship with my mentor. I enjoyed the attention and being close to the power he possessed. Eventually we were “married” in an elaborate ceremony in the mountains of Big Bear Lake, California. We tried to demonstrate the permanence of our covenant by burying a sword in solid rock like the legend of King Arthur. Many friends (in period costume) witnessed our commitment.
Although I had not developed a strong attraction for other men, the thrill of sexual contact had become exciting in itself. The emotional closeness to other men satisfied a deep need. John was building a “human potential growth center” for seminars and retreats, mostly with volunteer labor. Like other people dedicated to John, I worked for no pay. There were many other benefits, but no income or savings of my own and that contributed to a feeling of being trapped. When I chose to embark on this lifestyle, I not only turned my back on God and the church, but also on my friends and parents as well. The only friends I had were part of John’s organization, and in order to get out, I would have to return to my parents and ask for help. This would involve a confession of the things I had done and I knew they wouldn’t approve. My pride kept me from admitting my mistakes.
Infidelity
To make matters worse, I discovered that John had not been faithful to me. He had sexual trysts with many other men, most of them his clients. When I confronted him, he told me that this was a normal part of a gay relationship. I found that hard to believe, after all I knew several loving, committed gay couples. So we made a point of discussing this with them and to my dismay, they all admitted that one or both partners often had sex outside their relationship. This was terribly discouraging for me. Gay bars were a real downer for me - I never felt so alone as being in a bar where men were frantically competing to exploit each other’s bodies. John also took me to gay bath houses where men paired off in the steam room for illicit rendezvous in darkened individual resting cubicles. Seeing John get turned on by what was going on left me feeling nothing but empty.
The Turning Point
On a late fall afternoon at a beach house near Santa Barbara, John and I had a major fight about my subservient role in our relationship. I remember feeling alone and hopeless because I couldn’t see my way out of this miserable relationship. The next thing I remember was waking up in intensive care in a hospital where I had regained consciousness three days after a car collision with a fast moving train. Although I have never regained memory of the moments before the crash, I am sure I was driving and probably in a fit of rage and despair, I decided to kill John and take my own life as well by crossing the tracks in front of that train.
Aside from a concussion and a few cuts and scrapes I survived the accident unscathed physically John had more extensive injuries and spent several months in the hospital. After my release, I gave in to my mother’s insistence that I come home to recover. The rest gave me a chance to reflect on my situation. I knew I wanted out of that relationship, but what were my alternatives? I tried to picture myself with another man. I had had sex with at least seven men during the seven years of this journey and had been in a long-term relationship with three of them, but I couldn’t picture myself being happy with any of them. I had a fantasy love I knew I could be happy with someone who was strong, gentle, happy and confident and most of all, someone who really cared about me. The trouble was, I had never met anyone even close to that description. In fact, when I considered the gay men I knew, none of them seemed very happy. I pictured myself growing old alone and bitter without the close ties of family and children. It scared me, but I was gay and I didn’t know I could change!
I also felt a strong sense of God calling me back into relationship with Him. It seemed overwhelming to me that He was willing to forgive all that I had done in the last seven years. I had openly rejected Him.
Yet something kept me from accepting His offer to “come home.” My pride got in the way again - I had made a mess of my life and wanted to clean it up before I turned it over to God. I wish now that I had accepted His offer fully, but at least I remember asking God to help me straighten out my life. I knew I wanted out of the homosexual lifestyle - but I didn’t know how I could do it or if it was even possible.
“Straightening” Out
With John in the hospital, I assumed the responsibility of supervising many of the weekly counseling groups that met at the center. My ability to handle this did wonders for a deflated ego and gave me confidence to pursue other relationships. Soon, I began to notice Margie, another volunteer counselor. We developed a friendship. Now I had friendships with other women, but Margie cared deeply about me and that was something new to me. I couldn’t let it go and was surprised to find myself becoming sexually attracted to Margie. I had to keep this relationship! In a few short months, I had a new job, was in a relationship with Margie, and most important, had severed all connection to John and the center. I could not have even imagined this being possible before the tragic train wreck.
Margie and I were married the following year and began a marriage relationship that has grown and blossomed to become more than I had thought possible back in 1975! We were two wounded people, “damaged goods” you might say, who were virtually incapable of keeping a commitment, yet finding healing and strength in great measure every year.
God had answered my prayer, but I wasn’t ready to give Him the credit. I felt a new sense of power. I was the one capable of changing my life! I didn’t need anyone else! I wasn’t ready to acknowledge God’s transforming power that had changed my life. So I struggled with the strong sexual addiction that I had allowed to run rampant earlier and was keeping me from feeling satisfied in a monogamous relationship. It’s only by the grace of God that I never had an extra-marital affair in the 24 years of our marriage.
New Life
It was not until our daughter ran away from home at age 15 that I fully surrendered my life to Christ’s sovereignty. We have been members of Christ the King Episcopal Church since that time in 1982. God has been lovingly restoring me and freeing me from the bonds of that sexual addiction. He has turned me into a loving servant-husband capable of looking beyond my own pressing needs and desires to those of others. I give Him all the honor, glory and praise for the changes He has worked in my life.
Although my experience of the gay lifestyle may not be typical, if there is such a thing, I know that there are many like me who feel trapped by circumstances in this lifestyle. I am glad that the Church offered a clear, moral stand and was available for God to use in rescuing me.