My Abortion Story

This testimony was first printed in the March 18-24 issue of the Truro Family News, a publication of Truro Episcopal Church.

Since becoming the Executive Director of NOEL, I have shared my own abortion story many times. However, recently I got an e-mail from a high school girl who asked me to share my story in written form so she could read it to her class as part of a report she is doing on post-abortion syndrome.  I was thrilled that this young girl recognized the need to educate her classmates on this issue, so I gladly co-operated and e-mailed my story back to her.  After e-mailing it, I read it through, and as I contemplated what to share with you, NOEL's friends at Truro, I decided to share it with you for much the same reason as the high school girl; people need to know about the other victims of abortion, the men and women who are afraid to acknowledge the pain, guilt and shame they feel from their abortion experience.

At age 16, I became pregnant by a boy I had dated for about 3 months; he was two years older than me. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to solve the problem quickly. I didn't want my parents or anyone to know I had been having pre-marital sex.  I was known as a good/perfect girl who did everything right.  I knew in my heart abortion felt wrong, but because it was legal I thought it must be okay. I had the abortion on a Saturday in October.  The clinic was sterile and cold but the people there tried to make me feel better; they gave me a pill to relax me. My oldest brother drove me to the clinic but waited in the car most of the day. When my turn came to go into "the room," I remember wanting to turn and run. I laid on the table with my feet in stirrups, and the doctor came in. I don't remember him, but I remember the loud sound of the machine. It sounded like a big vacuum, which is what it is.  When they shut the machine off, the nurse started to walk by me holding a container.  I asked her if that was my baby.  She said don't worry; relax.  Tears streamed out of my eyes as I fell into a dreamy sleep. I could hear noises in the room, but I couldn't move. I lay there a long time; it was dark when I came to, and they told me to dress and go home. I stayed at my sister's for the weekend. I lay in bed that night feeling lost, alone and empty.  When I woke up the next morning, I decided to pretend the day before hadn't happened.  I stayed that way for years.   A few years later I got married, and about a year after that my husband and I accepted Jesus as Lord.  I confessed my abortion and put it back in the closet where it stayed.   It was that way for many years. Then I got pregnant and lived in fear of how God might punish me.

After my daughter started kindergarten, I felt I wanted to grow closer to God, so I started praying, "Search me God and show me anywhere in my heart that isn't pure." One day while talking with some close friends about abortion I realized I had played God when I aborted my baby. A few days later I started thinking about the baby I aborted for the first time since the abortion took place 18 years earlier.  I broke down weeping, because for the first time I wanted to hold her;  I wondered what my life would have been like with her as part of it. What I had worked so hard at keeping in the closet had finally come bursting out, and I couldn't stuff my feelings back anymore.

I hated myself for what I had done. I was ashamed and felt the full burden of my guilt. It was overwhelming, and I knew I needed help.  I began the post-abortion counseling program "Forgiven and Set Free" but was very afraid because I had to go back and face every detail.  However, afterwards I knew it was a very healing experience that was critical to go through. It was life-changing for me. That was six years ago.  As I dealt with my abortion I realized that a lot of my behavior and choices from the time I had the abortion until then were related to how I felt about the abortion - from becoming involved in drugs and alcohol to being extremely promiscuous. I now see how many of my decisions were based upon my disgust of myself; I wanted to run from myself and hide from the truth. When all the truth finally came out, it was like I was finally free. I felt forgiven by God and my baby, and I finally forgave myself. At the last counseling session, we held a memorial service and I named my baby.  And now, in my work I feel that even though her life was ended before it began, that precious life is honored and has a purpose.

Six years ago, I would never have imagined doing the work I do now. I was ashamed and felt I had to stay quiet about a woman's right to choose because I had. That's a lie; as men and women experience forgiveness, it gives them courage to stand up against the atrocity of abortion. One of NOEL's goals this year is to raise awareness about Post-Abortion Stress and encourage God's people to reach out in love to bring those hurting back to our loving Redeemer.  I'm grateful for you at Truro and our partnership to do that.  God Bless.